It's been almost a month since my last blog but it feels longer. This Thursday I will be 22 and we will hopefully be finding out the sex of our baby! About 80% of people that we know have made their claim it's a boy. I have only had one dream that it was a girl, but it was a bit of a humorous one because she had a lazy eye, I still crack up when I think of that weird dream. :) My folks are coming down the 30th of June to start our week long vacation on the Oregon Coast in Depoe Bay. We will be staying at a beach house, pretty excited to get away even though it's not that far to travel, it will be a great break from work and school. So both sets of parents will be present for the ultrasound appointment. Scott and I for the first part of the appt will be alone in the room when we find out the news and then we will invite our folks in. I think it will be such a special moment as I don't know how long it's been since our mothers have seen a baby on an ultrasound plus they will see the baby move instead of just getting pics and technology has advanced so much since they had kids I think it will be such a neat experience for all of us!
I have been feeling so much movement from this "little lemon," more like the size of a papaya fruit (those are so yummy) now! Looking back in the last month, so much has developed. I have found myself really diving into books and research about natural birthing and interventions and what to expect and how to advocate for myself. I feel like I am learning how to navigate my way through this whole experience. The first example of this was scheduling this ultrasound appt to find out the sex. My midwife wrote down in her chicken scratch notes to me that I should schedule this appt between 18-22 weeks with the ultrasound lab. Great, cause the 30th was when my folks where driving down and I would be exactly 22 weeks and we could schedule the appt then.... so I called up the Ultrasound lab. The gal on the phone said, "I'm sorry, I can only schedule you between 18-20 weeks." I asked for a reason why and she didn't give a legitimate one, so I said I would contact my midwife and I did. She said to call another office if I didn't mind traveling to a different location as they would have flexibility in their schedule. It all worked out and I spoke to the right woman on the phone and explained why I wanted to schedule when I did, knowing that it's never certain that you will find out or that the baby will cooperate during the appt. This was one example of me learning how to navigate and advocate for myself. The second was through my midwife. My first baby appt was located near us but I then switched to the clinic near the hospital in Clackamas because I felt more comfortable and that area wouldn't be unfamiliar to travel there when in labor. So I requested a new CNM from a friend of ours. Let me tell you, I walked out asking myself what just happened and feeling completely confused and ambiguous about the whole appt. It felt like the whole time the midwife was talking about my weight and how I should eat right. This is a sensitive subject in general but even more sensitive during pregnancy as you naturally have no choice in gain weight. I have never had this problem before and I was questioning myself in do I eat enough greens and do I exercise enough.... the answers were yes and yes! Yes, I might not be the skinniest pregnant women and my arms are a bit bigger than I would like them to be at but not active? What? That's not right, I do workout and do yoga and do actually crave for good food and don't run to fast food EVER! I do like my icecream but not every night... the list went on and on in my head. I had expected this appt to be like a counseling appt, nice, warm, and fuzzy where I get to talk about my experience and my feelings and my first pregnancy... none of that. I shared with some women this experience and that I feel completely lukewarm towards her. I advice I received from everyone was, "switch!" And so I did, so this was my next advocating lesson and now feeling not guilty or apologetic about it either.
So today I just met with my midwife and I had a great experience. I was a bit apprehensive about going in because this would have been my third different midwife and the second recommended one at that. I was just praying and talking to myself in the car about how my expectations and what I wanted to communicate to her. Everything went smoothly! She listened and totally supported me and gave me permission to let her know if I ever felt uncomfortable with her to let her know which I wholly appreciated! It was a great baby appointment!
Through this last month I have discovered a key component that I will need that my midwife can only partially fulfill and that is the emotional piece of this pregnancy. I fully understand midwife's role and know that she even might not be there for the birth because Kaiser has them on shifts at the hospital. Knowing this now has made me search for another way of getting the emotional connection and need that I believe is so vital to this experience, which is why I have decided to have a doula. Recently, I wasn't quite sure what the role of a doula was. I met up with my RA from college and to find out her sister, which I know, is just finishing her doula training! I just met with Andrea tonight and let me tell you, I feel so supported and so happy that we are going to go this route! There is something about talking with a women who has experience and training in child birth and who knows what you are experiencing. Yes, mind you that my husband Scott will still be an active part during labor but I feel like I finally have a team! It was great to sip tea with Andrea and share my feelings and my story of pregnancy thus far. Plus the little that I knew of her set up a great foundation for a solid alliance. I felt heard and spending 3 hrs in a tea house with someone who listens is an encouraging and empowering experience. Scott and I have still yet to fully discuss our decision but from what I told him tonight, he was on board! I feel that having a doula fulfills the emotional need that I have. She will work with Scott so both of them can have a holistic understanding of supporting me during labor. I am very excited to have chosen this path and look forward to our future meetings. Plus the women who are closest to me that I would want in the delivery room are far away and I can't just say "let's grab coffee and chat." With Andrea I can, and there is that open relationship that is so vital to this process especially this being my first pregnancy.
So finding and securing a doula has been such a recent development and it came in such a natural way. I have been connecting with women I haven't been super in touch with lately and it has been amazing the support one can receive once you just open your eyes and your arms. I was a bit nervous at first because most of my closest friends here in Pdx are single or don't have children. I am thanking the Lord for these women that have shared their stories and have shared their clothes and books with me. The body of the believers has truly been evident and I love that it is being shown through women! Every single act of kindness that has been poured out on me, I mentally take note so that I can do the same when a women that I know is pregnant. So far this journey has been an emotional one but a very empowering one!!
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