Part One: (written 4 months postpartum)
It's been four months since our little lovebug has been born. I have been a bit apprehensive in writing this down and still trying to figure out the reasons why. I think I have been putting it on the back burner because it was such an incredibly exhausting time, and thinking about re-living those middle of the night moments gets me tired just thinking about it. Or maybe its because I am going to share my feelings of lose because our birth took at 180 degree turn at the very end. Ok here it goes...
Friday, November 11th we went to get a NST (non stress test). Hannah was 8 days past and I knew that I didn't want to do a NST at 40 weeks but was ok at 41 weeks. My thoughts are different now but that is for another post. Everything looked great on the ultrasound, she of course was head down but was looking towards my right hip, but that wasn't a concern. After the appointment, I told Scott I wanted to walk around the Clackamas mall that was near by to get some exercise as it was pouring down rain. We walked about the mall, saw a friend from college, Isabeau and said hi. Little did we know this would be our last night out with just the two of us...
At 2:00am that night I was having contractions that kept me up. They were around 10 mins apart. My iphone allowed me to time them out separately and when they were consistent at 10 mins for an hour I decided to call my mom. My parents were already planning to drive down that weekend but said to call if something ended up happening... and it did. They had already put Pepper in doggie day care and Papa in respite care so they were free to drive down anytime. At 10:30am they arrive in Portland. My contractions at that point were still consistent but were down to 8-9 mins apart. I believe I ended up calling my doula Andrea around the time my parents came into town, but I remember telling her that I wanted to spend some time with just family before she came over. She was totally supportive. That morning I remember going through a 'nesting surge.' My home was spotless but I had to run the vaccuum, make the bed, and even bake pumpkin muffins from Trader Joes. My mom totally laughed with me as we took account for me baking muffins in the middle of my contractions.... all I was thinking was 'well people are coming over and they need something yummy to eat.' I guess even the hostess in me didn't stop even throughout early stage labor. The muffins were delicious btw, have to remember to make some more this coming fall.
Upon my parents arriving to Portland, (approx 10:30am) they told me that my sister was flying in within two hours! This was a surprise! When considering who would be in the labor room I really didn't think my sister would be a part of it all. I was very blessed to have her there, I hope she feels the same. I know that she isn't a big fan of bodily fluids, but who isn't right.... She is my modest sister and I am the opposite. I am an open book and she is reserved. We are both so alike but so different and I love her for it! Anyway... what I am saying is that I loved the fact that my sister was able to witness Hannah's birth. It was an added blessing to know her presence was in the room. Although we all thought it was not going to be as long as it was...
Lynelle flys in around noon. Dad and I think Scott went to go pick her up. I remember talking to April on the phone and she was with her mom. April was so excited for me and I remember feeling excited too.... Stage 1 of emotional labor = excitement. That afternoon we hung out at the house, I walked around room to room. Football was on the television, which now thinking about it, I could have done without the tv. We kind of had a house full... my mom, dad, sister, Andrea, Scott, and myself. For our little house this feels like a lot. I am taking mental notes for next time... But at that point labor was still 6-9 mins and I wanted to labor as long as I could at the house. Well, right when I started getting hopefully that things were moving, they were going the opposite direction. My contractions started to go back to 8-10mins and this was around 8-10pm. I recall that it was raining that night, but I wanted to get outside and move. The inaugural soccer game at CU was that evening. We walked by the field and even saw some co-workers and said hi. Some of those contractions I remember having to stop, relax, and focus, trying my best to practice relaxation from what I learned with the Bradley method. My mom and Andrea were on the walk with me and were such great support. During this time I really didn't have a preference of who was with me as I was just trying to figure out this whole labor thing and how I was adjusted to managing my labor pains. I really do believe that what got me through was not thinking about how much longer this was going to last, but really believing that each contraction meant I was that much closer to meeting our little Hannah- taking one contraction at a time. I just had to focus on each contraction as they came and went. I did a lot of imagery during contractions. What I thought about riding a wave in Kauai. I have never been surfing, but I have been to Kauai and its beautiful. Contractions are like riding a wave. You want to keep on top of it, not to let it get too far ahead or you or behind you. I remember mentally picturing surfing into shore, what a lovely picture. This got me through most of my contractions. My mom was the one who reminded me to relax my face and body, especially my forehead, I always had that squished up brow like I was mad. Open mouth and jaw, thanks to Ina May's Spincter Law. :) Ok back to the story...
My contractions kept at that pace through out the whole night. Andrea went to her sister's which is less than a mile from our place to get rest (she was going to need it), and we all went to sleep.... expect me. Yes, every 9-10mins I was getting up out of bed to lean over the side of the bed and rock. It hurt more to lay on my side, I just couldn't stand it. That happened through out the night and into the morning. Eventually my contractions started getting closer together 4-6mins. My dad that morning pulled out the guitar and played some worship music. That was very calming (note for next time). It was around 11am and we decided to head to the hospital. We all prayed before we left. Lynelle got a pic and I am so very glad she did. Thanks sis! OH and btw, to pass the time my sister was the timer lady, she had her iphone out and was keeping track of my progress. I think keeping track for that long was something Scott just really wasn't into, it was a bit repetitive for me too, but I really appreciate her being involved like that.
We got to the hospital and had to be admitted. They tested for amniotic fluid and I guess my water had broken. Don't ask me when... I couldn't tell you. I guess I was one of those women who had a pinhole size and coudn't even tell you that I was leaking. So with that news, of course I'm now on a time clock and they want to speed things along because of the risk of infection. Now I tested neg for strep b, but my test was expired (2 weeks past) at that point, bc my midwife didn't get me tested again. So it was either I was going to have antibiotics or baby would be on them 48 hrs after birth. We didn't want her to get them directly so we decided I would, even though baby still gets some through mama. That first hour we had to make some decisions and I didn't like the feeling or the pressure of what they were having me to decide. It felt that all I had learned of what was natural just wasn't as supported by the nurses/hospital protocol. We walked around the hospital floor for an hr, talking in between contractions and praying. I just wasn't comfortable with any of it, I think for a moment I just wanted to leave. This wasn't the experience I had envisioned or signed up for... in the end I had an IVs of saline, antibiotics, and pitocin. I can't remember what they started me off, how many drips, but I do remember the nurses saying they were going to do 4 or 5 drips every 1/2 hr. We asked if we could start with every hour to see how it went and they were ok with that. Now looking back, I didn't like the nurse coming in checking my progress and on her discretion, making the decision to "up the pit" to get things moving faster. Labor did slow down upon my admittance into the hospital and the pitocin got that going again. But in my mind, I was already in labor so I never associated my contraction pains due to the pitocin. I had some pretty heaving contractions at the house so here at the hospital when it starting getting more intense, it was a bit familiar territory. We did a lot of walking those halls and even a step stool. I ate lunch then threw up my lunch. Throwing up is a good sign though, means things are moving along. The only thing is that you need to keep hydrated. My drink of choice was H20 and cran & 7-up, its the perfect mocktail!
Labor went and went. I'm not a fan of getting checked so I had no idea how far along I was- plus with my water already broken they weren't rushed to check due to the risk of infection. Now with how long it lasted, I'm glad I didn't know... I think I would have become more discouraged and that could have thrown my mental game off, who knows. We used the labor ball, took a shower (Scott put on his swim trunks and joined me), I got into the labor tub for 3 hrs until it wasn't hot anymore. The bathroom was a great place to escape everyone. There no one will come in, you actually feel like you can have some privacy. Scott always came with me, bc I didn't want to be alone especially if I was going to a contraction while sitting on the toilet. I entered the "transition" stage of labor in the labor tub. Although I didn't recognize that I was in transition until I was back in the room. Back in the room was where things started getting extremely intense. I remember having a hard time focusing and my mom was the one who really helped me get through those difficult ones. It was the constant solid eye contact and coaching that allowed me to remember to relax my face an body. Those contractions I felt that I wasn't riding the ocean/contraction "wave," I felt that I was being swallowed and trying to fight to reach to the top for air. My midwife checked my progress (for the first time) and I was at a 9cm. At this time, I believe it was around 5am-6am? My memory might not serve me correctly, I really tried not looking at a clock... but from the time I called my mom from pre-labor until then it had been roughly 50 hrs (Saturday am to Monday am). Once I was dilated to a 10cm, the staff had me starting to push. Looking back now, I really don't think I was ready to push, I think it was premature- I expelled more energy that I had too with my already exhausted state. I say this because I felt the pressure of having to push instead of feeling it. I remember looking back at the monitor and pushing when I would have contractions. Now eventually the feeling to push came around and you can't stop it. We tried all sorts of positions... on the toilet, on both sides, on my back, squatting bar, etc. My midwife kept checking baby's progress and Hannah was still at 0 station. She still had not moved into the birth canal. It felt like I was pushing against a brick wall, there was no give for over 2 hrs. It was tough stuff. I even requested a mirror, bc I wanted to see the progress of her birth but that never happened. I remember thinking... "I'm going to do it, I'm going to have this baby without any pain medication or epidural".... I even had envisioned in my mind's eye her birth in those last moments.
I didn't want to stop, all I wanted to do was keep going, keep pushing. Then my midwife in between a push tells me that she hasn't moved at all. She is still in 0 station after all this time and effort. She mentions C-section. WHAT?!?! Everything was moving along, so I had thought, this had been the most physical progress I had seen in that last two days and you're telling us what? My midwife explained that she didn't know the reason for why baby hadn't moved down the canal. She gave some of her thoughts and then moved into telling me what my options were next. My two choices were: get an epidural to get some rest and then try and push again, if nothing still doesn't happen then c-section... or.... c-section and baby is out in 10-15 mins. This is what I was NOT wanting to hear. All this work, pain, and labor, and you're telling me the very thing that I have not wanted to happen at all from day one!? I was so discouraged!! Here I am, thinking I am moments of elation of giving birth and I get blasted by this news.... well that's how it felt anyhow. This was such tragic news! Now thinking back, I wonder if we didn't advocate more to keeping pushing and doing what we were doing... who knows. So at that point Scott and I were making a decision of what would be the least amount of medication that would enter into baby. If we did the epidural, at that rate, I knew they would press then for a c-sections because they didn't like a couple of the "D cells" in Hannah's heart rate. So we went for the immediate c-section, as I would get a spinal and she would be out in a matter of minutes. From the moment I signed the paperwork, it was like a mad rush of people came into our room. They instantly put me on oxygen, this made me feel like I had "failed" birth.
It was when they wheeled me down into the operating room that I felt out of control. I wasn't on top of my contractions as I push involuntarily. The labor pains seemed more painful because I mentally knew that it was over in the sense of a natural birth. I do remember at the moment of us deciding we were going through with the c-section, I instantly said to get me pain reliever. At that moment what was that point of going through this pain if my baby wasn't going to be born vaginally. I was a a breaking point because at that time it had been over 50 hours from start to finish without sleep and barely any food!
Getting the spinal was nothing... honestly. Transition contractions make a needle seem like you got a little pinch. Once I was on the table I couldn't feel anything from my chest down. The c-section was a very weird experience and way too removed for me. I felt some pressure but didn't know what else to expect except to wait. Now Scott heard one of the surgeons say that "she's really far down there..." I wonder how many c-sections they take that progress as far as mine did? Once she was born I just remember her sweet newborn cry.... she was born on Monday, Nov. 14th at 10:21 am, 8.0 lbs even and 21 inches long!
Hearing your baby's cry is an impression upon your soul, especially a mother. It is imprinted in every sense of your being... this is your baby! They placed Hannah on the scale... a healthy 8.0 lbs and 20 inches long. One the scale she popped a ton of meconium, the nurses kept on having to wipe it up, it kept coming. They placed her in the panda bed (It think its called) next to my bed. At this point I am straining myself and killing my neck to see her as I can't move my body. Scott goes over to see our daughter. He was so worked up emotionally his glasses were fogging and I think he was a bit hesitant to touch her, as I kept on saying to him, "touch her, touch her." My belief for importance of skin to skin was already being demonstrated as I was not going to be the first one to touch my baby. What felt like forever was probably only 3 minutes, but then they placed her on my chest. She was crying but then calmed down immediately. It was a bit difficult to see my little girl as I was laying flat on the table- I had to strain all my neck muscles to arch so I could make out her face and body- not the most comfortable at all. Love, relief, elation, excitement, exhaustion settled over the two of us as we gazed upon our baby girl. The nurses were so sweet and inked Scott's arms with Hannah's footprints before he went out and announced the name of our baby girl: Hannah Noel Ferguson. I do remember in all of this making sure that they saved my placenta... one nurse said, oh we have to keep it hear... yada yada yada.... I said "no, my midwife said I can take it home with me." No questions were asked. I was now into post-op where Scott and the nurses bathed hannah and I was getting my vitals checked. Soon after we started nursing.... I was still lying down, so uncomfortable again for the first time nursing. The nurse had to pretty muck manipulate my breast and help Hannah latch, which she had a hard time doing as she kept on sucking in her lower lip.
We finally made it up into our room. My sister had to fly out that afternoon back to Cali. She was the first family member to hold Hannah- pretty special, but she had waited a long time to do so, as did the rest of us. :) My energy level went up after Hannah was born- I was exhausted but my body gave me a spirt of energy- not a complete baby high but I was very much awake and engaging with family when they came in to meet Hannah.
The hospital stay was long. We were admitted on a Sunday, she was born on a Monday, but we didn't go home until Thursday! Sometimes I think that Hannah was born on a Thursday because that was the day we got home from the hospital. During the rest of the hospital stay we worked on nursing with our lactation consultant who was a gift from God. Now my colostrum had come in with abundance... so much so that they had me pumping it because there was so much! I was pumping because in the mean time Hannah's respiratory rate where higher than normal and they wanted to do some tests. This required drawing blood in which they would give her sugar water to help with pain- but also making her lethargic and not wanting to nurse only sleep- which could also effect the number of her wet/poopy diapers, meaning not enough weight gain, meaning putting baby on formula.... I knew the possible outcome once you start these inventions. This was something that I did not want to happen.
We did however, keep allowing for tests to be ran because they almost immediately wanted to put her on antibiotics. I said "no," that is the whole reason why I said yes to then being administered to me via IV once I was admitted. It felt like we were in constant argument with the pediatrician which also results into doubt as new parents- not a fun feeling. But we believed she did not need them as her level were showing progress but just not as fast as they had wanted. Thank the Lord for a second opinion which was the night-time Pediatrician. He checked her resp rate and said, " she doesn't need antibiotics, were not looking at a sick baby here." The day time Ped finally agreed and admittedly stated she could have been wrong. Hannah also had a bit of jandice. We used the billy blanket and one night she slept on the billy bed, so she could get more billy light treatment and so they could monitor her breathing rates- which turned out normal!
With nursing it just took awhile and I was also exhausted! I felt like I had ran a marathon- every muscle was sore (from no sleep, pushing and pulling up on the labor bar and everything else about having surgery). That week different nurses when walking around would say, "oh your the gal from room #7." Apparently, my long and hard labor had gotten around the delivery and postpartum floors. I do remember the first night, the night nurse offering me a nipple shield. I refused out of fear from hearing moms that had used it and there breastfeeding not being successful. I just told her, "it's ok, we are just trying to figure it out, it will take some time." Scott was my biggest help in being successful with breastfeeding! He help keep her awake for feedings with a wet washcloth and would move her arm which kept on getting in the way- cause with one arm you are holding baby and the other arm you holding your nipple making a "nipple sandwich" as our lact. consultant would say. By Thursday Hannah had consumed 1 oz of milk in a feeding. This was great news- good enough to go home and not have the doctor encourage supplementation of formula- which I wouldn't have done. I also want to say that I was so thankful I had my placenta encapsulated, especially having a cesarean.
On Thursday, we were finally home! I remember that soon after we were home we had the toughest nursing experience yet. I broke down crying because Hannah was crying and not latching on... finally after an hour we were latched and nursing. Whew! Exhausting but it was good to be home in my own bed without having nursing coming in all the time to check vitals, interrupting our sleep.
Part Two: (written 12 months postpartum)
A year later.... I read this story and am nostalgic. What a special time filled with so many emotions, all of it meaning ever so much to me because of the highs and lows, the joys and doubts that we experienced throughout that long weekend of labor. The result at the end is worth it all and I wouldn't change anything about this birth now, because it is our story to tell of how our baby girl came into this world!
However, some hard times did arise for in postpartum, or aka the "fourth trimester." I remember many times afterwards of crying because "I didn't push my baby out," or catching myself when I said she was "born," thinking she was just cut out of my body. Recovery was super painful and long! With the long labor and the surgery it took a long time (2 months) until I felt like I had my energy back to a normal level. The redeeming part in this story was that I lasted as long as I could even with pitocin, making the contractions much harder to endure. I did experience labor w/o pain reliver and even pushed for 2 hours- this makes me feel like I didn't give up for some reason, if that makes sense. But at the same time it's like running a marathon, seeing the finish line, but never crossing or never getting that medal. I know it might be a selfish view- but that's what I desired. In those early postpartum days I often remember praying and crying to Jesus just asking "why?" I still ask that question but it is said not from pity now but rather from a place of seeking wisdom and drawing insight from what I learned and how I can look forward towards being a new parent, sharing my experience with others, and educating myself on the next birth. A very empowering year this has been, and I am more grateful than ever!
Nursing and babywearing helped heal any grief that was present during those early "blue days" which is very normal for new mamas. Looking back this last year perhaps it is why Hannah is exclusively breastfed and didn't even take and pacifier or a bottle, she just went straight to a sippy cup. I also began to channel my grief into education myself on VBACS and HBACS (home birth after cesarian). I have found a lot of information, support, and research on these topics. My experience and education will form the way I want my second birth to go which is completely different than the first. At times I want to give reason to why this happened in such a manner. The topics of prenatal, labor, postpartum depression, birthing education, babywearing, breastfeeding, attachment parenting, etc are subjects that I continue to find myself fascinated with- it just won't go away. I keep on reading birthing books, attend LLL meetings once in a while, and co-lead a babywearing group. I am currently in grad school for mental health counseling. Internship is around the corner for me. I have decided I want to be a hospital/agency that involves pregnancy, prenatal care, birthing education and the like. I have even thought about becoming a doula after my school and once my children are older or even a Bradley Method instructor? The opportunities and ideas continue to flood my mind and it is exciting. I have no answers yet. I just put my thoughts, ideas, fears, aspirations, hope, and questions before the throne and allow God to orchestrate the future and what it holds for my family.
What a year this has been and I am so thankful I wrote down as many details as I could- you forget so much with having a baby, and God is always in every detail of our lives. We celebrate my daughters birthday today and are blessed to have such a healthy baby girl! Happy 1st Birthday Hannah Noel!
Praying Scripture over our daughter's life:
- We pray that she may “grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ”. (2 Peter 3:18)
- Help our daughter to find Your Word “more precious than gold, than much pure gold; and sweeter than honey, than honey from the comb”. (Psalm 19:10)
- May Hannah love justice as You do and to “act justly” in all she does. (Psalm 11:7, Micah 6:8)
- “Let love and faithfulness never leave my children,” but bind these virtues around her neck and write them on the tablet of her heart. (Proverbs 3:3)
- “The secret of being content in any and every situation…through Him who gives them strength”. (Philippians 4:12-13)
- May our daughter be filled “with the joy given by the Holy Spirit”. (1 Thessalonians 1:6)
