Who knew that one word would have such an impact on my life. On March 1st, a small device notified me that my life was taking a drastic change. I looked and saw the word "pregnant" on my take home pregnancy test. It was a rush of emotions that overcame me and I needed a moment to take it in as my first thought was denial. I had been having some feelings earlier that week that made me a bit paranoid. My bronchotis came back the week before which is normal because your immune system lowers when your first pregnant. I looked that at the side effects on my medication for pregnancy as I just wanted to know "in case." It was 6:30am that morning as I couldn't sleep the night before and I had to get up and find out. Moments later I woke Scott up and showed him the test. He was quiet and his look was a bit bewildered as I just had woke him up. It probably wasn't the best timing for me to tell him, but there was no way that I could go back to sleep... I had to wake him up for this big news!
I had so many mixed emotions from that moment on. We weren't planning on having a baby just yet as I am still in my first full year of grad school, a program that is 3 yrs long. I was thinking 28-30 yrs would be a good age to get pregnant. We always talked about our Plan A and then the possibility of Plan B happening at any moment. But still, when I found out I freaked out. This was not when I wanted to have a baby, I was still in my grad program and had internship this fall! I had catastrophized thinking as I said, "my life is over!" The next weeks in my human development class, my prof shared that life is about transitions. Each transition has its gains and losses and it's how we deal with this transition that determine our character and show our true colors. At my early moments of pregnancy I felt more loss and gain. I only saw what I was losing (i.e. my identity, time with Scott, control, time of graduation, work, etc).
During this time I was also taking my 501 class where we learn how to counsel and be counseled. Looking back it was truly a blessing for me to share my thoughts and feeling with Kristin as she was not family or friends. Besides talking to Scott, it was refreshing discussing these matters with Kristin knowing it was completely confidential. I know the Lord had by best interests in mind as I am an external processor. I had so much emotion and would almost cry every Monday we met. It was a relief to just have someone to listen and empathize, that was quite the experience for me. It made me not feel apologetic for my feelings. These feelings were not negative, they were just "mixed." It has really become an empowering process as I watch myself come around to my feelings of having this baby. Another big factor that totally surprised me was that I DID HAVE A CHOICE TO KEEP THIS BABY! My values and beliefs are to choose life when it comes to pregnancy, as I fully believe in life and the precious gift the Lord has given to us. When I found out I was pregnant, I was suprised that I felt relief that I actually had options out there. This was something that I wasn't expecting as it almost gave me a peace of mind but also it also confirmed that it really was my choice to have this baby. I am choosing life by making the conscious choice to have this child. Through the first two weeks the only thing that would snap me out of this funk of mixed emotions was thinking of our friends that could not have kids or had a hard time getting pregnant. When I stepped outside of my little selfish world and looked around, I was convicted and knew that everything was going to be ok. It was the one thing that in a sense kept me grounded as my emotions seemed to be off the charts sometimes. Scott did such a great job listening and empathizing with me. He would often shares how excited he his to have this baby and why. It always lifts my spirits and gives me such comfort and closeness.
With emotions, sickness, and school... there was so much to do and think about. Needless to say I was so thankful that time passes because at the end of the semester was the time that I wrapped up my first trimester. It was at this time that I couldn't wait to share the news and have it become public. So that is what this blog is dedicated to... the journey of my first pregnancy. I always have the best intentions with these blogs and they never seem to go anywhere.... maybe with my pregnancy there is a main theme that will help me blog my feeling and thoughts. I have already come up with a list of subjects to write about, so that's a good sign. But before I end this first posting, Scott and I love the quote from Dan in Real Life as it states:
" Dear Readers, for most of you, this is my first column in your paper. In the future, I will be answering your questions, but today I want to break from my usual format and talk to you about the subject of plans. Not so much my plan for this column, but life plans, and how we all make them. And how we hope that our kids make good, smart, safe plans of their own. But if we're really honest with ourselves, our plans usually don't work out as we had hoped. So instead of asking our young people "What are you plans? What do you plan to do with your life?" maybe we should tell them this: Plan to be surprised."
"Plan to be surprised" is what life is all about, and so here we are living out this motto and soaking up our own life experience with all of its emotions, fears, and moments of overwhelming joy! We look forward for this little bundle of joy to change our lives for the better and we can't wait to meet him/her! :)
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